Sex after kids...

So I am going to start this post with a warning. If you are in any way related to me or Dale, or happen to be a work colleague. Or have delicate sensibilities (why are you here?) then look away now. No really, don’t say I didn’t warn you (Mom!). So don’t be walking past me in the passage at work tomorrow, turning all red while clutching your pearls in horror!

I’m going to lay down sex after children in the Biagio household.

Monday night:

Me: "Dale what’s your schedule like tomorrow night? You know we need to have sex again, because according to Cosmopolitan if we don’t -

A) you’re going to cheat with anything that moves. Even the tea lady will be up for grabs because you are CONVINCED she wants to bump uglies with you because every time she puts your coffee down, she turns the handle towards you making it easier for you to grasp (Add to To do list: Smack that bitch up)

Or B) my vagina is going to close up like a stubborn clam and you’ll need a shucker to get in there…"

Dale: "That was a lot of talking Tash, all you had to say was “Sex, tomorrow”, or just wiggle your eyebrows and look towards the bedroom, or hell, any surface for that matter and I am in!

Tomorrow then, let’s do this!! I feel like we’re about to storm the beach of Normandy!"

(I swear I saw him jump up and click his heels together like a leprechaun)

Tuesday night:

We rush through Ava’s bedtime book in the hopes of getting her to bed earlier! (Because we’re bad parents)

“Goldilocks: So there was this little blonde girl right, and she climbed in through the window of this bear family. Ate ALL their porridge and slept in all their beds because she’s basically the dumbest criminal ever, and then the bears came home and ate little Goldilocks because you shouldn’t break into people’s houses! The end!” Bed time Ava!

… what man? I included a valuable life lesson at least…?

So there we are watching Masterchef on the couch… and Dalekins does his best interpretation of a seduction that I have ever seen…

Looks me deep in the eyes and mutters…

“So are we shtooping or sleeping?”

Me: “Oh we’re shtooping! *high fives* You know it…”

Clothes off (which we do ourselves because aint nobody got time for that!)

*shakes hands* *gets down to business*

5 minutes later…

Me: That was awesome but holy shit, took forever…

Dale: *blinks* Sheezus Tash, don’t women usually COMPLAIN about it going too fast?

Me: Meh, we’ve been together for almost 11 years now… you know what you’re doing, I know what I’m doing, and to be brutally honest, after watching Masterchef all I’ve been able to think about is the block of cheese we have in the fridge!

Dale: Ha…. Me too.

*gets off bed* *dresses*

*high five each other* Until next time…

Cheese…

Sex after kids is “interesting” for the lack of a better word. You may still do it 7 days a week, and if you were filmed, it would look like a scene out of The City of Angels…. Candles, Barry White… blah blah. Or, you may just use every opportunity you can, or feel like, even if that means once every 2 weeks, and it entails pants and socks not even being off properly and still maintaining a good angle so you can both keep one eye on Carte Blanche… but hell as long as you enjoy it, and you’re not having passage sex (telling each other to fuck off every time you pass each other in the passage) then it’s all good no?