So I asked for Good News to be sent to me so I could share it with everyone, and make all your teeth hurt with the sticky sweetness of it all! And although pickings were slim, and some of you are really strange, here is your DAILY TREACLE! HEADLINES:
* Eyeball eating birds ATTACK! * Baby Born without 3 eyeballs on forehead * Midget saves herd of sheep from Crazed South African
Eyeball eating birds ATTACK!
The world was saved today by a good Samaritan, who put himself in the face of danger to save us whilst we unknowingly went on with our daily business. Reports confirm that at approximately 2:36pm, 3 (highly trained ninja) birds were spotted singing sweetly on a window sill (bystanders confirmed koomba-yaaa was being sung) when the aforementioned good Samaritan decided to put us all out of our misery and slam the window shut ending the lives of the 3 singing torturers and bringing to an end an attack which could have led to many tears and much camp fire singing.
Reports stated (After PETA complained) that autopsies confirmed that the 3 singing birds were of the hillbilly inbred make and model and would definitely have eaten our eyeballs if the good Samaritan had not saved us.
Baby born without 3 eyeballs on forehead
A healthy baby was born in South Africa recently despite reports by the British media, slamming ALL South African babies as being savages and barbarians, born for the sole purpose of making bad political decisions and having an almost psychic knowledge of what tourists look like, for the day when they can take part in “Kill a tourist day”.
This miracle is two-fold, because not only was this South African baby not born wearing a loin cloth and waving a panga, but has 10 fingers, 10 toes and only 2 eyes in it’s head. Rubbishing previous claims that there was enough oestrogen / raw sewage / Jik household cleaner being pumped into South Africa’s drinking water, that no babies born to South Africans would ever look like normal babies ever again.
Midget Saves flock of sheep from crazed South African
A Midget came to the rescue of a flock of sheep today when he noticed a naked crazed-looking South African chasing after them in a field yelling “But I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, please stand stilllll…”
“I was just shocked… I didn’t know what to do, but then my circus training kicked in and I rushed the perp. Kicked him right on his shin and bit the first thing that I saw infront of me, sending him yowling away in tears…”
A Representative of Sheep Shaggers Anonymous had the following to say: “We have this problem on a regular basis, sheep buggery has been around for a long time. The real problem however, is that when the sheep light up their cigarettes afterwards, you can never really get that smell out of their wool. Who wants to buy a jersey that smells like Malboro’s. So (Anonymous) has done us a great favour in chasing away this offender, and we will be keeping him in willy warmers for the rest of his life.”
Damn that was hard. You hate me!
Definitely making shit up tomorrow! ;)