I love Mitch Hedberg like a fat kid loves cake. He's funny as all poo and makes me do the “ugly laugh” (red eyes, goldfish opening and closing of mouth and occasional snort until Dalekins blats me on the back and tells me to breathe) whenever I watch him, so I thought I'd share ;) An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
