So I decided to join gym what the hell was I thinking. I haven't been in one of these high tech shiny torture chambers since ... well for a long time *looks down at wobbly bits* BUT for some bizarre reason, I woke up one day and said to Dale 'so Ive been thinking lets join a gym' (ok ok so he's been begging me for months, and for months Ive been looking at him as if he's sprouted an arm out of his forehead - it could happen you know) So off we toodle to Virgin Active to sign up. Now.. all I wanted to do (after watching much buy-tv and hearing how Madonna keeps her way-too-old-to-be-wearing-a-leotard-body in shape stories) is to use that Power Plate thingy you know the one you get on, it wobbles your butt around vigorously for 15 minutes and you get off looking like Heidi Klum. Only to discover when I get there that our branch of gym doesn't have one *sobs* WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IM GOING TO HAVE TO really really *mocking face* WORK FOR IT!!! Are you crazy!!!... I want my damn money back....
So begrudgingly I decide, what the hell, lets give it a go I spose there really is only one way to stop my bum from looking like two little puppies fighting in a pillow case, and thats surgery? *cries* can't afford that!
Ive discovered that my mind and body are like 2 evil beasties who fight like nursery school children...'Get on the damn treadmill.... I need to relax my mind body and spirit by causing myself intense pain on this machine that looks like it wants to eat me...' (<-- thats my mind by the way) 'Screw you don't put me on that thing I swear to God Ill throw you down the stairs' (<-- the body)
So I thought I might ease my way in to this working out story by doing a circuit they call the 'Easy Zone' (What a lie) easy my arse you go around this circuit and spend 30 seconds on each machine, 16 bits of equipment, I go round once and feel like Im doing zilch exercises so Im really starting to feel smug now look at me look at me.... Im so fit.... so I do the whole circuit 3 times. hey and I feel great for a whole day until day 2 strikes and I discover that I have muscles in my arms that I never knew I had my God the pain, I can not pick anything up, push anything yet alone brushing my hair, or a simple thing like brushing my teeth no, but I have learnt a nifty lazy way of brushing my teeth now mind you. If you lie your toothbrush down on the sink and wedge your leg up to hold it in place, all you have to do is put your mouth over it and move your head from left to right vigorously Dale mind you thought this was hysterical and kept telling me to try scratch my back *mumbles about messing his face up*
Tried cardio last night.... and it wasn't too bad actually well it started off okay, 10 minutes on the bike, ok this isn't too bad 10 more minutes on the cross trainer thingymabobby ok starting to sweat a bit.... 10 minutes on the skii thingy, ok now my body is starting to protest, I am no longer glowing like Heidi Klum would look in the gym but full on sweating like a miner in the middle of the day 5kms under the ground.... so I get on the treadmill, walk very fast for 10 minutes, thinking that I can do another 10 minutes just to really work myself.... but I should of realized my mistake by just thinking that, when my hand started reaching for the Emergency Stop button and I imagined myself being flung off backwards landing in a tangled mess amongst the bikes at the back of the gym, OK OK Ill stop, yeeeeesh....
FINE body bloody well be that way, you'll be wobbly and soft and its all your own fault!... Ye ok whatever lets stop at the donut shop on the way home...? Ok :)
So should I ever pop my clogs in a suspicious and tragic gym accident my body may have something to do with it....