So we were invited to a braai at my dad’s place a few weekends back and for some unknown reason, Dalekins seemed to have woken up that morning with one goal in mind. “I’m going to drink until I fall over today!” (I suspect he dreamt that all whisky distilleries in the world ran dry over night (as they do) and the trauma caused chaos with his fragile emotional state). So anyhoo, after being there a few hours, I see Dalekins walking out of the house, not so steady mind you, with his 4th or 5th (I lose count) whisky which he is drinking neat on the rocks!
Me: “Dale, please slow down, we have a long night ahead still, we haven’t even eaten yet!”
Dalekins: “but… but… it’s so niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice! I’m really enjoying eeeet” (I now realize we’re in a bit of trouble here because his em-ph-aaaaaaaa-sis is on the wrong s-y-l-aaaaaaaaa-bul)
So anyway, fast forward 3 hours and Dalekins is now sitting on the couch watching the Blue Bulls get a kick up the arse and he is swearing (blubbering) like a trooper after polishing off about another 4 whiskies!
Dalekins: “Harden the FUCK up you pieces of shit *&*%$^##%&#&*$&%&% C@nts!!!! (Dale develops a bit of a potty mouth when he’s had too much – I think it’s what endears him to my father, the fact that he uses the “C” word so eloquently)
My mom was literally hanging over the chair in tears she was laughing so hard.
Me? I was just grateful that he was still able to move his lips.
So things go from bad to worse and eventually Daddykins takes Dalekins for a “swim” to sober him up! Which just ended in Dale falling into the pool forgetting to close his mouth drinking half the swimming pool and my dad dragging him out coughing and spluttering! Dalekins then gets out of the pool, dries himself off with a towel (God knows how he managed) and promptly hangs this heavy wet towel over my dad’s 100 year old thorn bonsai tree... well… what can one say. Sorry dad.
So eventually sanity prevails and I decide to get this puddle formerly known as Dalekins in to my car and to bed. I literally had to pull the t-shirt over his head. I walk him out, he opens the back door to get in.
*closes back door*
*leads him to front door, puts him in and puts his seat belt on*
*looks at snickering father*
Me: “Um thanks for the braai guys…. Erm… see you…. Soon?”
*kriek kriek*
So I start driving…
Dalekins: “I don’t understand whathssssss happeneeeeng?” *confused face*
Me: “I am taking you home” *pats leg*
2 minutes later…
Dalekins: “Tashhhhhhhhhhh… just… just go home with this guy!”
Me: *blinks* *looks around car* “What guy?”
*Dalekins glares at me like I’m stupid*
Dalekins: “Tashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh turn leftttt heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere”*knocks on window*
Me: *looks out window* “No Dale I can’t turn left here because I would drive us straight into the Bronberg mountains and we would die”
Dalekins: *frowns* *smacks me on my leg* “Tsk!”
Me: “Dale, are you feeling sick, you look a little sick, are you going to throw up? Must I pull over!?”
Dalekins: “Pfffft. No. what?”
*speeds up*
Rinse. Repeat. “Dale do you need me to pull over”
Dalekins: “No. what?”
*hits window button to open Dales window* *Dales head that was leaning on window falls out car*
Me: “We almost home! Just hold on or must I pu….”
Dalekins: “Blarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
*blink*
*blink blink*
*watches chunky burger patty go all over my door inside and out… watches chunky burger patty go down electric window into door*
*sniff*
Me: “*retch retch* *smell* Retch* “Oh help me Jeezus help me Jeezus” *retch*
Me: “You puked in my carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!”
*pulls furiously into driveway*
*pushes button for electric window to close*
*schlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack* *watches burger patty go up and down* *up and down*
*drags Dalekins into the house* *Puts him onto chair*
*go outside, spend 30 minutes going between cleaning burger patty out of window crevice and retching from smell*
*comes back in*
*looks at Dalekins sitting on couch holding random keys in hand*
Dalekins: “Help me Tash”
*looks on side of couch at big chunky pile of burger patty*
*slaps forehead*
Me: “Of course”
*takes Dalekins to bathroom* *lets go to lift toilet seat*
*Dalekins falls straight back arse first into bathtub*
Me: “Of course”
*Pulls Dalekins out of bathtub*
*put him on his knees* *poke* “Throw up*
Dalekins: “Why?”
Me:” Because it will make you feel better”
Dalekins: “Why”
*slaps forehead*
Me: “Just do it or I am coming in there with my whole hand!!!”
Dalekins: “Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh” X Infinity
*drag Dalekins to bed* *Watch as he wipes his chunky burger patty mouth on our duvet*
Me: “Ofcourse”
Next Morning…
*open eyes look at Dalekins smiling sweetly at me*
Dalekins: “Good morning *smiles* how’d you sleep? Jeeeesh I must have slept well I don’t even remember leaving your dad, did we win the rugby?”
*slams pillow into his face”
Me: “You are buying me SO MUCH CLARINS TODAY!!!!”
Dalekins: *blink* “Warrid I dooooooo, and why does our room smell like handyandy???”
