Bucket List
There’s a giant asteroid passing between earth and the moon?! Fuck meeee, batten down the hatches people! What if it pings off the DSTV satellite and careens right into us! If we’re lucky it would only take out KyKNet and China… But if not *gasp* I would hope to be one of the first to go to be honest. It should mush us first, get it over with. “Oh look, it’s getting dark outside there must be a stormmm Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh run away run awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” Blergh. Instead of it hitting the other side of earth blocking out the sun and then we starve to death. The HUMANITY!!! I look so good because I eat so good!
Life with no wine for my sippy cup because the grapes have all died is no life at all.
I haven’t done my Bucket list yet!! And short as it is these are important things dammit!
a) I want to learn how to play the piano - like a Boss! And then have a concert while wearing a sequined Liberace jacket and doing that really dramatic head banging, sweating, dramatic slamming on the keys type of playing. My song: “Whooohoooa Black Betty Baumalauwwww” Then everyone will throw roses and undies at me.
b) I want to actually WATCH a midget porn flick instead of joking about it all the time. Maybe this should be last on my list because after wards not even seeing a bag of dead kittens would be the worst thing I’ve been through. Don’t judge me. They have such little hands.
c) I want to fill at least another 10 passports before I die. And just because the universe is a bitch I shall point out quite bluntly that it should not be because I lose everything and am forced to become a drug mule where I will be anally probed at at least 20 airports before this passport is filled. I just want to travel. Oh and I mean international travel. Driving to Ficksburg and having to stamp my passport to get through the boerewors curtain does NOT COUNT!
d) I want to pay all my bills using a bank reference of “Big black strap-on”. Oh how I will laugh and laugh.
e) I want to get a whole bag of jelly-tots in my mouth in one go and then spit them out at people like a machine gun. People won’t find it funny. I will think it’s Heeeelarious.
f) I want to ask the author of the Kama-sutra why he thought wiggling your baby toe would instantly count as a new position. And why he failed to include rubber chickens and ladders . This one’s tricky seen as the dude is very dead.
g) I want to teleport – and come out the other side without a boob on my forehead.
h) I want to be invisible for a day. The 5 second rule would not count for you. You could drop your Vienna on the floor and pick it up after 10 seconds and no one will know *whispers*
i) I want to ask a Proctologist “WHY GOD WHY!?”... and then I'll ask if he ever asks anyone to pull his finger? And do they? *horrified face*
j) I want an enormous amount of money so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.
k) Stupid Hula Hoop – don’t even want to talk about you but you will be my bitch oneday!!
So much to do, so little time!
