So Mattel has just launched “Computer Engineer Barbie”. Waheyy! We’re moving up in the world ladies! Finally a career that we can relate to! Or at least that’s according to the President of the Society of Women Engineers. Goodness. Could you find a more boring sounding Society… No, but in America they do have a society called “The American Donkey and Mule Society” (I was too scared to click on the link in case it opened something that wanted to know if I am 18 years or older and if I preferred Farm or Domestic). I feel dirty all of a sardine and I don’t know why…
Anyhoo I digress, this president bird says, and I quote: “As a computer engineer, Barbie will show girls that women can design products that have an important and positive impact on people's everyday lives,"
And her clothes…? "geek chic" in a binary code-patterned T-shirt, pink-framed glasses, a pink laptop and a Bluetooth earpiece. …a binary code patterned t-shirt. Emmm… Ok so clearly you cannot be clever AND dress slightly feminine, oh no no no… you have to dress like a tranny who’s still a bit confused about which side of the fence they want to be sitting on. But it’s all okaaaaaay because they have included PINK glasses, a Bluetooth earpiece and a PINK Laptop.
How the feck she’s planning on typing on this laptop is a mystery with those glued together fingers but anyway…
See now, if I was a little girl still, if this here “Computer Engineer Barbie” was kitted out in a Wonder Bra, white linen shirt, black pencil skirt and a gorgeous pair of Christian Louboutins I would be on that doll like a fat kid on cake! But no…
Speaking of Christian Louboutins… did you know that Barbie has more than a billion pair of shoes! And Imelda Marcos made the news for a mere 3000…
I s’pose we can’t be too upset, the lady is missing her genitals… Barbie… not Imelda.
As a matter of fact, why do we covet Barbie so much when we’re little girls?
She can’t blink – do you have any idea how dry your eyeballs would get!?
But on the flip side of that, I suppose she would OWN you in a staring competition.
She can NEVER stop smiling – even when you shave her head thinking her hair will grow back (I knew not what I did I swear!)
And my favourite…? She can’t do shit about it if you turn her head around to face the wall …
Gods! Talking of spinning heads, I just thought of an awesome new Barbie doll… Exorcist Barbie! (Comes with vat of green slime, pees on your carpet and every time you push that little button on her belly she tries to stab you in the eye with a crucifix) Thank feck these things don’t come with voice boxes like those creepy crying baby dolls… can you imagine being woken up in the middle of the night by your Exorcist Barbie whispering “I am the devil and I am going to eat your spleeeeeen little girrrrrrl”
My father would have found her mangled remains in the lawnmower if that had been the case….
Another disturbing fact: Barbie has in her life time owned 43 pets including 21 dogs, 12 horses, 3 ponies, 6 cats, a parrot, a chimpanzee, a panda, a lion cub, a giraffe and a zebra. ….
Hmmm no mule?
That is a shit load of animals considering she’s only 51. What is she doing to these poor creatures!? Have you heard any word lately about this panda…? I am not quite sure, but someone needs to get the Society for Humane Treatment of Plastic Exotic and African Creatures involved here…