What makes people go all two sandwhiches-short-of-a-picnic about love? Case in question: My bestfriend.. lets call her Jan to protect her identity. No really... her name really is Janice :) Unless reading this blog about herself pisses her off whereby we'll then know her as Bob. So Jan is 29, absolutely gorgeous and definately one of the most awesome people I know. She is the one of the only people I would phone at 2am when I have a dead hooker in my room, and she'll arrive not even flustered 20 minutes later with a hacksaw and a bottle of Jack Daniels ready to save me... the hacksaw is to cut our sandwhiches in half and the bottle of Jack is well... to drink..! Sheeeesh what kind of people do you think we are!!
So anyway I digress.. Jan is lovely. And thats why I was completely flabbergasted to hear the words 'Tash... Im terrified Im going to be alone for the rest of my life...' and she said that with such a vulnerable face that I almost took her seriously for about 5 seconds... then I got over it and replied 'Shut up, you're hot don't be daft!!'... But sad to say, she really believes this :(... I know, I know, I can't believe it either!
Jan has been through the ringer the last year and a half, including a nasty divorce only 6 months ago... classic story. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, girl and boy fall inlove even though boy is a big fat liar. Girl and boy get married, boy turns into a psycho freak! Girl realises she is married to aforementioned FREAK (A freak who is definately coming back as a roach in his next life... a roach with only 3 legs) and divorces the little sod - end of story :) Oh and she's much happier now, but theres that whole 'being alone' thing. Which really does suck to be honest. We've all been there at some stage, thinking that we're going to end up like Mrs Haversham sitting in her manky wedding dress with mouldy cake after being dumped by her groom 20 years earlier (or summing like that).... just me? No really we do.. only Jan imagines herself a spinster (um I dont technically think you can be classed a spinster if you're not erm virginal can you?) living with 20 cats and a really bad perm spending alot of money on batteries *wiggles eyebrows*
See I firmly believe its what you ask for... see Jannie you made the crucial mistake and aksed for what you wanted, but see the universe is a tricky little bitch really pissed at having to 'serve' everyone so when you do ask the universe to give you something, by God does she give it to you literally.... See Jan asks for a rich guy.... Older than her.... and very good looking who treats her well... and by God see... I warned you Jan be VERY clear about what you ask for... *snicker* what did she get? A rich guy... aforementioned cruel bitch universe skips the older and decides to give her a 19 year old... yes you read right, lotsa cash, or atleast his dad has... but he's 19 for heavens sake.... and to be honest there are only so many 'dates' you can go on to 'drink milkshakes' .. then the older part... great she gets older... but divorced and only after 'rebound'... no no the doofus actually told her that he just wants 'rebound sex' and really expected her to stick around...Jan is no rebound girl you moron... she's any mans dream woman!
See Ive learnt my lesson, so I just rub the universe up the right way (Which translates into being a complete lick arse) and asked for the 'right person for me'... hey you choose your superior highness-ness, he can be fat (please not too much of a boep) or ugly (God please let him atleast have teeth) and poor (Ok Im not paying for everything here, I have a little dignity!!) but you know best, so whatever you decide in all your wisdom (cue the lickarsey part) and wallahhhhhhhhhhh I got Dale and she was all nice about it too... nice little package he is, strapping 6-pack, gorgeous teeth I might add, spoils me rotten and is the bestest man on the planet (ok so Im still in lickarsey mode here) :) Dankie Vader!!!
So if there are any deserving men out there who want an absolute gem with an amazing personality is absolutely gorgeous, her name is Jan and you can get her on 082 33.... No Jan Im not trying to pimp you... unless you want me too...??? ;)
Or hell Jan I'll just ask the Universe for you :)
Dear Universe.... please be nice to Jan, she really deserves a break (I don't mean that literally, no arms and legs please). Please send her the man she will spend the rest of her life with (her long long life with - don't even get funny about that) and a man (Yes he has to have been born one) who will treat her like a Queen (No she doesn't like the song 'We are the Champions') and a man who knows how to make Lemon Merangue cause it's her favourite (And no just because he can make pie doesnt mean he has to be gay ok!!) .... sheeeesh this is hard work... ;)