Women 101

I was listening to the radio this morning where they were reading out a list of things that “men never want to hear from women” (Besides “Is it in yet?”).  Now it’s always the same crap, and either way, women are always painted as weak, emotional, irrational and well let’s be honest, a little unstable. All untrue.  Except maybe for the irrational part at certain times of the month.  But hey, you try having “crazy” hormones course through you like a steam train and try NOT to murder someone with a fork for looking at you with that stupid ridiculous face!!!

Yes, you ALL have stupid ridiculous faces when we’re PMS’ing.

We’re just not wired the same. Deal with it.  But because clearly men can’t seem don’t want to grasp the inner workings of the female species or are just too busy scratching their own balls and doing that helicopter thing with their penises when they get out of the shower, to try understand us (FYI: we are not interested in seeing ‘it” dance).  I thought I’d put together a Guide.

So I borrowed some classic questions / sayings that apparently really grate men’s balls from this morning’s radio show:

“Do these jeans make my bum look big” – No it’s the chocolates you eat! <-- Now that should never be uttered, but I thought it funny nonetheless. Now boys, we are not dumb, if we’re asking this question chances are good that we KNOW that our bums are looking a little like 2 puppies fighting in a pillow case.

We don’t need you to actually answer this honestly.  We’re needing a bit of an ego pat (You should understand the need for this as you’re constantly asking us if your bald spot has grown.  We always say “No!”, but what we really want to say is “Mother of God, where has it all gone” or “Oh my sack he’s going to end up looking like that weird guy from The Rocky Horror Picture show!” Don’t be a smartarse, just say “No, you look great”.

“Do you think she’s hotter than me?” – Apparently any answer here will get you into trouble. Not true I say.  Again, we’re not dumb.  We know the blonde with the 36DD’s and the bum like a peach who clearly forgot to put pants on this morning is a Hot Tomalie! We hate her already, and are considering throwing her to the floor and shoveling cheeseburgers down her throat.  Do not EVER align yourself with this creature by answering “Hell yes I want to use her thighs as ear muffs!” You will die.  It will be painful.  A court will rule in our favour for blatant stupidity on your part.

Just say “No baby, you’re way hotter – someone should feed that poor dear” - a smack on the bum and a wink works wonders here.  Walk past the offending creature quickly and do NOT for the love of God try get away with the sideways glance thing. Again see the part about you dying a fiery painful death.

“I’m Fine” – Now, if you’re hearing this, you are in fact in deep DEEP DWANG.  Do not EVER just leave it and take us at our words when we say this. We are by no means “fine”. Quickly scan your memory for ANYTHING that might have upset us.  It helps to remember the exact time our mouths puckered up like we were sucking a lemon.  What did you say at that time?

Luckily for you the “I’m fine” gives you a bit of time because it is only at two specific times we will ever use this.  Either we KNOW we are being completely ridiculous about something and yet it is upsetting us still, so we are waiting for it to go away and do not want to get drawn on the subject right this minute.

For example:  We saw you smiling at your mother’s 60 year old neighbor.  Does this mean you think she’s hot, a MILF? What if he wants to cheat on me with an older woman! *shakes fist* (Ridiculous – unless you have some serious mommy issues and were never breastfed)

Or…

You have in fact done something really bad and we are using the words “I’m fine” to try and take a moment to try calm ourselves the fuck down because our current blood boiling rage could end with tears - yours. Also its always a good indication that you are being too dumb to REALIZE what you have done.

For example:  You put it *cough* in the wrong hole.  Yes you did it on purpose.  Yes you finished off by saying “Whoops” and then turned around and went to sleep.

Nothing can save you now but self-flagellation.

See, we’re really not that hard to understand you just have to use common sense, and as much bullshit as we put you through, you give us back ten fold.

Being completely incapable of changing a loo roll… Nuff said.  So easy does it on the smack talk there boys...