Come Dine with Me

How excited was I! Finally, South Africa’s version of “Come dine with me” was airing last night! *cartwheel of joy* Now I LOVE this program.  Watching my peers cock meals up good and proper makes me happy and makes me feel more secure in myself as a woman who breaks the mould entirely, and by that I mean I am a woman who fucking HATES vacuuming, and anything that is deemed as something a woman needs to take care of.   That Knorr advert where you see a lot of women marching down the street with placards about the New Knorr whatever-the-fuck-it-is makes me want to hang my vagina up on the wall of shame!

So understandable that I have a hatred fear of cooking. I won’t be stuck in the same category as that twit from the Mr Muscle ads! Damn the man I say!

To say I HATE cooking may be a bit harsh, I don’t mind it actually, but I’m your “average bear” when it comes to whipping meals together. I’m great at bolognaise, soups, stews and anything that comes in a bag, and hey, Dalekins has not died of rickets or scurvy - yet!  But it’s when you start talking about things like coulis (koo-leeees) and Ver Blance sauces that my eyes begin to glaze over (I’m still trying to get a handle on what “braising” means for feck sakes). Hence why mum-in-law gave me “green beans” to make at last year’s Christmas lunch (and it was the one dish that was barely touched – I take offense! Ok not really… mustard in green beans? Yech…).

So anyhoo, the South African version of my favourite program was on last night! All I can say is what a CATASTROPHE!

Now if you have not watched Come Dine with Me before, they put 4 average bears together, and each has a chance to host a dinner party. You see them go through the entire cooking process of a starter, main and dessert, while the guests root around the house and go through their underwear drawers! (Love it!) and then they score each host out of 10, the winner gets R10k.

Now WE put together 4 people from the South of JHB.  Now man oh man, I don’t quite know how these people were chosen “hey bru” but WOW is all I can say. Either the Brits selected really boring arsed people, or we made our selection on opposite day! What the HELL!

The first lady to go was an absolute nut job and to be quite frank just a complete sphincter to everyone around her.  Her opening line was “Jussy hey I can like to be a bitch, if you cross me, I will get my knife in your back soon hey” – That was her way of introducing herself to the country / world.  She then went ahead to explain to everyone that she has Spirit guides (a dog and an Eskimo – I know right *waves finger around head*) and believes in fairy’s, dragons and UFO’s and that every time someone takes a photo of you, it steals a bit of your energy or some shit! Complete whackjob and a sour puss to boot! She had nothing nice to say about anyone, even saying how disgusted she was at being served steak and mash by one of the other contestants. Now, this guys food looked AWESOME, I would have motor-boated that steak and mash anyday!  Her famous statement for the night : "What's this guy been doing all day - ARSE FARTING??" *cough* Erm, I don't know about you lot but that's the only place I poep out of? *confused*  This lady needs to rock a little bit more Xanax methinks. Oh and go out and get a good rogering because you be needing some joy in your life lady!

The rest of the contestants, a loud mouth woman from Alberton – who served cocktails before dinner and stuck her face in her dessert (my kind of dinner party), a young black guy who thought the sun shined out of his butt a little – which is completely impossible as it shines out of mine (but made awesome steak and mash *motorboat*) and a gay trolley-dolly who wore a Liberace styled sequins jacket – my retinas have still not recovered, and made TRIPE! Which sour-puss-face-head actually had the GALL to spit out.  At the table. Yep, she just spat it out. Sakessssssssss!

These are the people we show to the world. An absolute triumph of a show!

I can’t wait for next week to see what we deliver, but I have seen the preview and it contains a man swinging around a stripper pole.

So an average South African home then.

See Dalekins, other men do it too. Nothing to be ashamed of.